Comedic monologue about a bar encounterfrom @oldfashonedhussle

Transcript

Okay. I have something I wanna address. Ever since I started growing up my hair, the influx of studs that hit on me, astronomical. I'm at the bar with my own girl. Quick backstory. She has just gone through her first stud breakup. She thinks now all studs should be stung in the street. Her words, not mine. And after two weeks of hearing this shit and nothing but Sasha Keeble songs, I was like, bitch, we need to go outside. We're at the bar. I'm walking through. I kick something. I look down. There's nothing there. I hear someone go, if you're looking for my number, it's not down there. I look up. Two studs, freeform locks, crystals wrapped in worse. Two of the most handsome young women I have ever seen in my fucking life. Okay? But I know no the devil when I see one, I look at the both of them and no, better fucked. I keep it pushing. My homegirl thinks this is the funniest shit since Kings of Comedy. She's cackling. We get to the bar. Turns out, I used to sleep with the bartender. She sends over four shots and 12 oysters. Is this important to the story? No. I just want you to know I'm like that. Mom, no? No. I worst want no know I'm like that. My homegirl starts tapping my thigh. Bitch, they're coming. Who's coming? The British? I turn around, it's thing one, thing two. Fuck. Thing one comes up to me, good, what? You don't fuck with me? It's not that I don't fuck with you. I just think you're barking up the wrong tree. She goes, how so? I say, I'm pretty sure we both ordered the same boxers. She goes, ain't nothing but some clothing and you good push mine to the side, don't make no no difference. Bitch, I don't know if it was the alcohol or the oysters, but I had to take a beat because why the fuck was she making sense? Whole time, I'm like, fuck, fuck. I need to exit. I need to exit. I said, oh, my friend's good through some shit. I'm here for her. I'm here to support her. I love her. I throw a Hail Mary. Tell me why I hear my homegirl behind me go oomor lemon. I turn around. Thing two is hand feeding my homegirl fucking oysters. I said, you spineless fucking bitch. I turned around, thing one has the most shit eating grin on her face. She goes, what's the next excuse? I said, you dry headed demon. I said, I've lost all control of tier situation. I have no more excuses left. She goes, okay then, baby. Let me take it from here. Excuses left. She goes, okay then, baby. Let me take it from here. And take it from here she did.