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I’ve been struggling to put into words why we broke up.
How do I explain that the man I loved was carrying unhealed wounds that I did not cause yet I was the one who paid the price.
That even though he loved me, his capacity to love was restricted.
No matter how much I poured into our healing, it wasn’t enough because I could not heal someone when they aren’t ready to heal.
I remained selflessly devoted through it all.
Thinking if I stayed longer and tried harder, eventually he would meet me where I was at.
However it reached a point where my suffering was too much and not what I want my children to experience.
I had to make the heartbreaking choice to leave.
Yes he’s a good person, yes we shared amazing moments, but when someone has an unhealed dismissive avoidant attachment style it will break you in ways you can’t imagine.
They are amazing, until they are triggered and then you don’t even know who you’re looking at.
I won’t be sharing more details of my experiences out of respect for my children and their father... it’s also not the type of person I am.
This isn’t even about him.
It’s about my own healing and that means choosing to honour myself in a way I’ve never done before.
Because I can’t tell my kids to love themselves whilst not fully loving myself.
I hope this answers questions for those who were curious❤️
#avoidantattachment #seperation #dismissiveavoidant
Transcript
It like to love and avoid a man? So many women have tried. My heart goes out to those because it takes a strong, resilient woman. Most people just tell you to leave, but they don't understand what you're actually grieving. See, you aren't just grieving the man that he was, you were grieving the man that he could be underneath the fear that you seen. You saw the wounded boy, the fear beneath the silence. You saw the tenderness as you saw the little boy. And when he started to open up, you started to grab a notepad, a pen, and he was like, oh, shit. He finally getting there. There. So you believe that love and patience could reach a place in his heart that fear couldn't. Boy inside the man often wants love just as deeply as you. And I'm not excusing his bad behavior. He just doesn't know how to sustain it. His body can't hold it. So when intimacy grows and it builds, no that he doesn't wanna be loved, he made his feel exposed. And he starts to wonder, like, what if I what if she realizes that I'm not good enough? What if she realizes that deep down, I might disappoint tier? What if she what if she needs a version of me that I just don't know how to be? So is that a risk of rejection of rising above that shit? Creates distance because distance feels safer than falling for someone that he loves. Meanwhile, you mistake his withdraw as a reason to love others, so you give more. Baby girl, you better more more grace, more patience, more understanding. You become rank empathetic listener. You know what I'm saying? Until you slowly abandon yourself trying to reach someone who has yet to face himself and have the willingness to. Rank that's why that breakup isn't just the deepest part of the wound. The deepest part of the wound is actually you imagining himself with another woman and receiving everything that you have prayed for, that you waited for, that you, you know, like him being consistent and come and and and communicators and the emotional emotional safety. And it's like, you're thinking like, man, if I carry his pain, like, why does she get to carry his peace? And I ain't gonna hold you. A woman could expose the born inside a man, but she cannot heal him for him. And healing should never require you to disappear in the process. So maybe the problem isn't you. Maybe it is, man. Maybe it's time for you to ask worse, like, why did I need to receive his worst behavior for him to actually choose me? Lean into that love on God.
