Friend's absurd excuse for not textingfrom @thegrannyflat

Transcript

Don't know how I'm gonna get through a whole day without seeing you, puppy. I'll be yearning for you, brother. Text me when you get home safe. Got it. Hey. I mean it. Last time you didn't, you nearly got abducted by a sex call. I got it, Nick. No sex call. Good lad. Bye, puppy. Not again. Good. Bruin. Bro, my cheeks have been cleansed for the last two hours. Why didn't you text me when you got home safe? Because I didn't. What? Nicholas, you know how this works. I don't text you if I don't get home safe. David, what happened this time? Long story short, on the way back from yours, I was walking through the park when I felt something bite my foot. Much to my chagrin, it turned out to be a spider. Oh my god. Did you go straight to the hospital? Nah. I wasn't venomous. Oh, thank god. Yeah. Just radioactive. From From the bad, I ended up developing spider like superpowers and decided I wanted to look after small potato problems in my city. Great. So then did you swing home safe? Nars. I ran out of web fluids, so I stopped by the petrol station for a top up when my spider sense started to tingle. Then suddenly, I'm ambushed by a flying dilly. What's that? The culprit? A ghost from my past by the name of that dastardly Jean Valjean. A really attractive sex cult leader with washboard abs? Bro, I thought he was locked up in supermax. He busted his way out of prison in more ways than one. Shit. He says, there's only room for one web slinger in this town. Then I chuck on my 16 ounce boxing gloves and it's a fight to the death. Hey, best man win. John unleashes an attack, but I slit Boagadilly's and hit him with an uppercut, sending the purple one flying through the yes, which I then catch and use to deal the finishing blows, putting an end to mister two four six zero one's reign of terror. Thank you, Spider Man. Then did you get home safe? Nope. Far from home, in fact. A cop pulls up out of nowhere and tells me, you're a sick pervert, man. You're under arrest. I say, what is the charge? He says, you stole those toys from Rachel. I go, Rachel who? He says, my granddaughter. Then out from behind the cop steps my ex lover Rachel who was in cahoots with Jean Valjean the whole time. Rachel Strikes again. Didn't she best? I piss bolt worse becoming a wanted vigilante, but before I can get too far, I'm stopped under a bridge by a hooded man. At first, I thought he was gonna ask me for money, so I say, somebody get these beggars out of here. But then he takes off his hood rank he's, you guessed it, my long lost dad. Odysseus. Oh, good. Yes me his hunting bow and tells me, you've got one shot. Do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo? Then I go full legless mode and fire an arrow into the heart of the cop, hitting a five star wanted level. Nice. And then you got home safe with your dad and put an end to that generational trauma? Not quite, brother best. Turns out my dad doesn't actually own anything after his trip back from Troy went belly up. Didn't you let all those men die? Yeah. That's right. But we'll be alright. Won't we, bad? You have $50? Yeah. Godspeed, puppies.