Game show contestant's bizarre ham storyfrom @jeopardy

Transcript

My dad was given a ham as a Christmas gift in... Sometime in the late eighties, and it was a Smithfield ham. And you're supposed to hang them in a dry smokehouse for, like, six months. Okay. My dad hung his in a damp Ohio basement for twenty years. My sister and I inherited the ham, and I had to talk her out of lighting it on fire and having a Viking funeral. I can't stop thinking about the ham, Ellen, I gotta tell you. I asked you if anybody ever tried to eat the ham, and you said no really. Well, my father kept threatening that he would take it out to his golf club, and the chef there would prepare a feast for his friends. And I kept pointing out these friends were in their eighties and that they would die. And before we had the ham funeral, I actually tried to cut into it, and I broke three knives. Oh, wow. So maybe it wouldn't have better. Yeah. It was a scary ham. Was the ham funeral a burial? A burial at no? No. It it was a, we threw it into a creek. But beforehand, we we... For some reason, my mother had saved a shoebox full of used birthday candles. So we doused those with lighter fluid and set that on fire in front of the ham, and we had some stuffed monkeys surrounding it that we'd found in the attic. No that was a good funeral. That all makes perfect sense. That's what I'd do if I had a very large, mildewy. But I would not let my sister light it on fire. So if America wants to know more about the scary ham, Google the scary ham, and there's a long, long story about it.