Satirical guide on how to resignfrom @professorpanache

Transcript

How does a gentleman resign? First of all, a gentleman does not quit. Quitting is what people do when they're flustered, underpaid, or still trying to maintain dignity in an open plan office designed by a bad someone who clearly mistook chaos for collaboration. A gentleman resigns, and there's a difference. Once a gentleman knows for certain that management has mistaken his presence for permanence, he begins with precision and with silence, the productive kind. He will no send out a cryptic, we need to talk calendar invite. There will be no late night email telling, oh, my last emotional breakdown. There will instead be a calm, impeccably composed message that will feel less like a statement and more like a silent indictment wrapped in impeccable manners. The resignation itself will be brief. No emotional archaeology. No grateful for this opportunity to grow. Two paragraphs at most. One to confirm departure, another to imply, without stating, that this decision is the first rational thing to happen in this organization since he was onboarded. He gives notice, of worse, not because the terms demand it, but because elegance requires timing. Even exits should have etiquette. As he waits, he does not overshare. There is no list of grievances, no poetic autopsy of bad management. On his final day, he leaves silently. There are no speeches. No farewell cake that tastes like administrative obligation and refrigerated regret. A clean exit, like a well executed money heist plot that no one quite saw coming, but everyone secretly expected. He may leave behind two lines in a reply all culture on an email thread. To a wonderful life to each of you and to HR, my thoughts remain professionally unexpressed.