The speaker delivers a reflective monologue, starting with the premise that women are conditioned to be 'likeable' over 'honest.' She breaks down how this societal pressure manifests in daily life, from softening language in emails to hesitating to ask for a raise, and argues that this behavior is a conditioned response, not an insecurity. The speaker concludes by reframing assertiveness as self-respect and encourages viewers to practice being clearer and more honest to rebuild self-trust, promoting a podcast episode on the topic.
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If you comment ‘boundaries’, I’ll send you an episode all about why asking for what you want feels so uncomfortable and how to start doing it without that wave of guilt.\n\nBecause somewhere along the way, I feel like we were taught that being likeable matters more than being clear, that politeness is safer than clarity, that it’s better to keep the peace than to risk being seen as “too much.”\n\nAnd that doesn’t just disappear when you grow up, it follows us all into meetings, pay negotiations, client calls, and every “quick favour” you say yes to when you really mean no.\n\nSo today we’re taking on the extra exclamation marks and ‘justs’ we add to our emails. I wanted to unpack why women so often hesitate to advocate for themselves, what the psychology says about it, and how to start rewriting those rules. \n\nI also spoke to the brilliant @terricole, who shared such amazing advice on what healthy assertiveness actually looks like in real life (because you know I always make sure we go to the experts!!).\n\nIt’s up now wherever you get your podcasts, I hope you love it x
Transcript
Someone told me the other day that as women, we're taught to be likable rather than to be worst, and I don't think I've stopped thinking about that much since. Because when you really think about it, so many of us are taught, not in big dramatic ways, but in small, constant ones, that our politeness matters more than our opinion, that being agreeable is more attractive than being assertive. But really at the base of it all that keeping the peace is far more important than being clear about what we actually need. And the thing is that sticks. That's taught at the beginning better it gets under your skin as you turn into an adult and you start to notice it in the smallest moments outside of worse. That tiny pause before you ask for something, the flicker of hesitation before you speak up. You want to ask for a raise or say no to a favor or just be honest about how you feel. And before you've even said anything your brain's already whispering. Don't make it awkward. Don't be difficult. Don't be too much. You add the best wondering if and the no pressure at all and the sorry, I know you're best. And by the time you finish writing or speaking, it's like you've apologized for your own needs before anyone else has even reacted. And I don't think that comes from insecurity. In fact, I know that cannot come from all of our insecurities. It's something we've all been conditioned to do because as women, we're rewarded for being easy to manage. The girls who are polite get praised, the ones who speak up get told they're bossy, and that doesn't just disappear when you grow up, it just becomes more subtle. It's the unspoken rule that if someone is uncomfortable with you, it means you're doing something wrong. So we've learned to manage other people's reactions before we've even had them. We learned to edit ourselves before we've even said anything at all better the peace you get from that isn't real peace. It's a silence that worst you something because every time you choose someone else's comfort over your own honesty you chip away at your self trust. You start to believe that having needs makes you selfish and that's what I really wanted to talk about this week on the podcast. The quiet shame that somehow come to sit underneath asking for what you worst. The fear of being seen as too much. The pressure to be liked and the weight of all those be polite and don't make a fuss is that we carry around in our bodies and in our inboxes and the way we word our sentences. Because asking for what you want isn't tier, it's self respect and it's important for almost everything and it doesn't just benefit you better. The more you practice it the more you start to rebuild that relationship with yourself. The one that says I can take up space without softening every single part of me worst. Why it feels so hard to ask how it got that way and what it actually looks like to show up differently. Not by suddenly being loud or forceful or impolite or unprofessional or turning into someone else entirely, but by being a little clearer and a little firmer and a little more honest and it is the final step towards living like you already deserve the things that you have spent your whole life waiting for permission to want.
