Satirical expert assesses hipster baristasfrom @bkcoffeeshop

Transcript

Hey, guys. It's that time of the year again. I'm here for your hipster barista assessment. No one says hipster anymore. You've passed the first test. Nobody says the h word anymore. I'm sorry. Who are you? How do you not remember me? I'm Kumail Nanjiani, h worse, barista expert. Wow. Your aura is, like, completely different this year. I didn't even recognize you. Yeah. Something seems off. You seem very emotionally regular. Oh, yeah. I've been on a healing journey. I started therapy. Therapy? But I thought it was a requirement for all Brooklyn baristas to be chaotic and unhinged. I've been avoiding therapy for years for my craft. Yeah. That's a big update we're doing to 2026. Now we want all baristas to go through therapy so that your rudeness comes from a place of creativity rather than trauma. Mood. As you know, you need a high score to keep operating a coffee shop in Brooklyn. First, let's see your judgmental glare. Okay. It's a little dead behind the eyes. I need a bit more boredom, a little more disdain. Like, you looked at me and you already know I'm the problem. More like, mhmm, mhmm. Judgmental glare, eight out of 10. What? Seriously? We're known in Brooklyn for our judgmental glare. You were there for a moment. You never got it. We have at least 10,000 negative Google reviews about it. You think 10,000 is a lot? Alright. Let's talk about reading. What are we perusing these days? Only books on Marxism and existential theft. Marxism is so played out. It's so old. I mean, look at your mirror. My mom is into Marxism. She's got a mom's little Marx worse sticker on her Subaru. Now all the cool baristas have circled bad around to loving capitalism. But I spent my entire adult life blaming all my problems on capitalism. I would shift that blame right over to taxes. As a fourth generation Gatsby, I can do that. That's right. Rich is cool again, guys. Alright. Let's hear your self sabotage initiatives to keep customers away. We've been playing with it. And so it's usually three to four per customer. Sometimes we post to our Instagram story that we're suddenly closing, and then we stay here just so that we can turn people away. We never have when people order it even though it's on the menu. Okay. When we're in a bad mood, we triple our prices, and that is often. You guys are nailing it it right there. Alright. Let's talk about what are your milk options right now? Oh. So today, we have cacti, water buffalo, avocado seed, and potato milk. Trick question. We're all post milk now. You haven't heard of milk fatigue? The milk is getting fatigued? We are tired of milk. No milk's made in worse. How can milk get tired? Milk don't be alive. We're now in our post milk era. I always knew this day would come. Okay. I have tallied up your scores. You're at a b plus. Dang it. I promise next year we'll be even more unapproachable. Yeah. We'll go to therapy so we can weaponize wellness even more. B plus is actually the highest score you can get. I know it. We do that just to keep people grounded. Alright, you guys can attend my new workshop. It's called Healing for Baristas, How to Convey Yourself While Flustering Others. I'll save you two spots.